If the following offends you, just remember: Linda started it.
Today’s topic is “bodily functions,” in which we’re encouraged to write about one or more bodily functions. Linda even provided us with this handy-dandy list of them. I’d like to focus on two of them: eructation and flatus.
That’s right, burping and farting.
From a very early age, guys (myself included) think these two particular things are hysterical, and as they get older, they just seem to get funnier. Why? They just are.
Burping is a natural consequence of eating and drinking, of course. As you eat or drink something, you’re bound to swallow some air, and carbonated and fermented drinks (e.g. Coke and beer) have effervescence added or are naturally effervescent, meaning you’re also swallowing carbon dioxide, thus adding to the amount of loose gas in your stomach. Eventually that air, carbon dioxide, and other gas produced by the digestive process needs to be released, so you burp. The genteel thing to do when that happens is to try and belch as quietly as possible and to excuse yourself when that happens. Girls and women, who are more adept at handling thmselves in polite company, seem to handle this much better than boys and men. For the ladies, having to burp is seen as an inconvenience; for the guys, it’s more a competitive sport. When I was in grammar school, I had a friend who would spend a lot of time swallowing air, particularly when we were on our way to a school assembly, so that he could announce his arrival when we got there. He was truly the George Beverly Shea of burping, at least at our school.
A friend of mine once told me this joke:
What did one burp say to the other burp?
Let’s be stinkers and go out the back.
Some of the gas created by the digestive process escapes through the mouth when you burp. The rest exits the body through the hole at the other end of the digestive process…
Guys find farting, at any time, to be utterly hilarious. Just the word “fart” is enough to make some guys (myself included) laugh like idiots. There’s a scene in J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye where Holden Caulfield, the narrator and (anti)hero of the book, is sitting in the chapel of his boarding school with all his classmates, listening to one of the school’s benefactors drone on at length about how great a person he was. The talk ended shortly after one of Holden’s classmates farted loudly, causing his classmates to erupt in gales of laughter. The next day, the headmaster of the school assembled the boys and demanded to know who had done it. Holden’s comment was that everyone was hoping the guy would do it again.
I subscribed to National Lampoon for a while back in the ’80’s, and can only remember one thing: one of the “Foto Funnies”…
If you were wondering where Howard Stern came up with the character, that was it.
I could go on and on (and on and on and on…), but I’m past my five minutes…
Stream of Consciousness Saturday is brought to you each week by Linda Hill and this station. All complaints should be addressed to her. Now a word about the Trick Shot Gun from Ideal. It’s a wonderful toy! It’s Ideal!