Hogan’s Heroes: S1 Ep 16, “Anchors Aweigh, Men of Stalag 13”

LOGLINE: Hogan talks Klink into building an officers’ club, whereby a boat can be built to sail away with an escaped British POW and the German gunsight he snagged while escaping.

Hogan and LeBeau are on the road, waiting for Michaels, a British POW who has escaped Stalag 5, when the run into Schultz. Schultz is angry, reminding Hogan that he’s not supposed to leave the camp for any reason, and Hogan tells him they’re just out there to meet someone. Michaels drives up in a German truck, and tells Hogan that when he took the truck he didn’t realize that there was a new computerized gun sight, and suggests they take it apart, make blueprints, and send them to London. Hogan tells Michaels that he has a better idea, to send the gun sight back to London with him. Hogan, LeBeau, and Michaels start back to camp, and ask Schultz to hide the truck for them.

Later, in Klink’s office with Schultz, Klink is waving his riding crop in Hogan’s face, and asks if the name "Michaels" means anything. Hogan jokes that he knows a girl in England named Diane Michaels. Klink tells him that the Michaels he’s talking about has a mustache, and Hogan says, "no, that must be a different girl." Klink explains that "the fools at Stalag 5" allowed Michaels to escape with one of their trucks, and he was last seen headed for the coast, but he suddenly disappeared, truck and all. Klink believes that Michaels is in the area and intends to find him, and sends Schultz off to look for the truck.

In the tunnel, Hogan and the Heroes, with Michaels, are gathered around the shortwave set. The person back in London (who sounds suspiciously like Richard Dawson) says that they’d like Hogan to send both the gun sight and Michaels back as soon as possible, and when Hogan asks when the sub can make the pickup, he’s informed that the sub is unavailable and tells Hogan to figure out a way to get both back to London. Hogan says he will and signs off. Immediately Michaels and the Heroes want to know what Hogan has in mind, and Hogan says "If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s men with small, petty minds." Most likely meaning he has no idea.

Helga is filing papers when Hogan arrives with an affectionate "hello" and asks her if Klink is in his office. She says yes and walks him in. Klink is "very busy," but if Hogan insists… Hogan is standing right behind him when he turns around. Hogan gives him a duty roster and suddenly grabs Klink and helps him into his chair, seemingly concerned about his health. Helga plays along, running out of the room in tears.

Hogan suggests that Klink needs a place to relax and destress, and suggests an officer’s club "like the one they have at Stalag 5," which "Carter told [him] about." He sells Klink on the idea, and says that the best man to design it is LeBeau. Klink doesn’t like the idea of his men taking orders from a French corporal, but Hogan tells him that LeBeau gets his orders from Klink, so there should be no problem with it.

We then see that LeBeau’s vision for the officer’s club is a boat, complete with a figurehead that kind of looks like Helga. Schultz wants to know why LeBeau is building a ship in a prison camp, and what’s going to happen with Captain Michaels. When Hogan tries to tell him, Schultz decides he wants to know nothing about it. Klink arrives and demands to know why they’re building a ship, and Hogan tells him that there’s no better way to show "the real you." This pleases him, and he walks around to admire the whole boat. Kinch tells Hogan that he got a message from London that bad weather is expected, and Michels and the gun sight should leave the next night. At that moment, Klink comes up and says that he plans on having a party on his yacht the next night.

Klink emerges from his office into the reception area wearing a blue blazer, ascot, and captain’s hat, and begins a clumsy attempt to hit on Helga, calling her his Lorelei. It’s not obvious whether she finds his advances amusing or disgusting (probably both), but it ends when Hogan comes in to discuss plans for the party with Klink. As they’re talking, he mentions the guest list, specifically General Burkhalter, who Klink hasn’t invited. Hogan is aghast, saying that omitting one’s commanding officer would be seen as a major affront in the US Army. Hogan leaves as Klink tells Helga to call Burkhalter in Berlin.

Outside, LeBeau and Carter are supervising the loading of the party stuff onto the boat, including champagne and a crate marked "HORS D’OEUVRES" which contains the gun sight. Hogan comes out and asks Carter if he remembers what to say to Klink. Carter confirms Burkhalter’s name, which he promptly forgets when he gets into Klink’s office.

Carter’s story is that, when General Burkhalter saw the officer’s club at Stalag 5, he became incensed at the extravagance, and told the guy to get rid of it or he would be on his way to the Russian front. Klink, having gotten a call that Burkhalter is on his way and will be at Stalag 13 in an hour, runs out in a panic and tells Hogan and his men to destroy the ship. Hogan tells him that the men have put a lot of work into it, and suggests that instead of destroying it, maybe they should tow the boat to the North Sea and leave it there until after the war. Klink sends a squad of men to make sure that there’s no problem getting rid of the boat.

Hogan asks the squad leader if they would grab the lifeboat (where Captain Michaels is hidden) and load it onto the boat. They do so, and the squad leader and one of his men drive the boat out of Stalag 13 and presumably to the North Sea.

Burkhalter, who was obviously prepared for a far more enjoyable time than a dinner of stale sauerbraten at the officer’s mess, leaves after threatening Klink with transfer to the Russian Front. As he leaves, Hogan drives up to Klink in the truck that Michaels stole from Stalag 5. Klink gets the idea that, since the truck was out in the woods, Michaels must be as well, and sends his men to search for him.

CAST:

• Bob Crane as Hogan
• Werner Klemperer as Klink
• John Banner as Schultz
• Robert Clary as LeBeau
• Richard Dawson as Newkirk
• Ivan Dixon as Kinchloe
• Larry Hovis as Carter
• Cynthia Lynn as Helga
• Leon Askin as Burkhalter
• Michael St. Clair as Michaels

Notes:

• While this was the 16th episode in season 1, it was one of the earliest episodes filmed. Burkhalter is referred to as "Col. Burkhalter" in the credits, even though he’s called General Burkhalter in the show.
• Hogan’s Heroes has a flexible sense of geography. Hammelburg, the town closest to Stalag 13, is close to 550 km (330 miles) from the North Sea, but Klink says in the episode that it’s 60 km (36 miles) away. For that matter, Berlin is 450 km (270 miles) from Hammelburg, certainly much further than a day trip away.
• Howard Morris directed this episode.

Sorry there’s no video with this episode. If I can figure out how to make the clips small enough to upload, I’ll add some short ones.