LOGLINE: The Germans have stolen a gold shipment from the French and Hogan must convince Klink to have it moved to the safety of Stalag 13.
A new prisoner, Captain Martin, arrives at Stalag 13, but Klink is more interested in finding out what took Schultz four hours to bring him from Hammelburg. Schultz tells him that he couldn’t leave until the shipment of gold which was "confiscated" (i.e. stolen) from the National Bank of France was loaded so that it could be taken to Dusseldorf.
Hogan and the Heroes are listening in over the coffeepot, and decides that they need to take the gold out of circulation (i.e. steal it). He knows that to do that, he’ll need to get the Germans to bring the truck with the gold to Stalag 13. He has Kinch print up a map of Hammelburg and write a bomber’s notation to Martin to conduct a bombing raid to bomb the bank in Hammelburg.
When Hogan is summoned to Klink’s office, he brings the fake orders with him, and slips them in among Martin’s personal belongings. Klink takes them, reads the "plans" to bomb the bank in Hammelburg, and says they’ll just bring the gold to Dusseldorf. Hogan counters by saying that the Allies will just bomb Dusseldorf, and that he’s glad they don’t store the gold at Stalag 13, which is the safest place in Germany. This gives Klink an idea: call the Gestapo and have them move the gold to Stalag 13 (which, of course, was the whole idea).
Next, Hogan and his men are sweeping up the stairs and porch of the kommandant‘s office. Schultz passes them and, when he sees and hears that the men are working without being ordered to, walks away saying "I know NOTHING!" When Klink sees this, he demands an explanation, and Hogan tells him that they wanted the office to look good for the Gestapo when they come into camp with the gold. Impressed, Klink tells them to carry on. When he’s in his office, LeBeau pulls out a small saw and cuts a deep enough notch in the top step so that, when Klink steps down onto them, they collapse.
The Heroes wait outside their barracks, and, when they Schultz come out and step on the top step, panic, thinking he’ll break the steps and they’ll have to pick him up, but amazingly the steps don’t collapse. Now they’re worried that LeBeau didn’t cut a large enough notch in the step, but when Klink exits his office and steps down onto the steps, they collapse and Klink is on the ground. Hogan’s explanation is that it was caused by termites, and when Klink points out that the step appears to have been cut, Hogan claims it was done by saw-toothed termites. He volunteers his men to to rebuild the stairs, but not out of wood: he wants to build the steps out of bricks. Klink tells Schultz to get the appropriate materials issued to the men.
They’re piling up the bricks outside Barracks 2 when the gold arrives, led by Major Krieger of the Gestapo. Schultz leads the truck to behind the barracks, with LeBeau and Carter stringing up a clothesline to stop the truck so it’s lined up with the back window of the barracks. Newkirk, on the pretense of playing a game of darts with Kinch, throws a dart through the window and sticking it into the back tire of the truck and breaking the springs, keeping the truck there overnight. They drug the coffee Schultz brings for the guards to knock them out while Hogan and crew are working. They carry the guards into the barracks and Carter and Newkirk put on their uniforms and go out to stand guard (and help get the gold out of the truck).
LeBeau shoves the metal boxes of gold out the back of the truck as Carter and Newkirk carry it to the window of the barracks. From there, the boxes are handed, bucket brigade style, to the men inside the tunnel. They take the bricks for Klink’s stairs and dip them in gold paint, and take the gold bars and dip them in red paint. When the paint on the bricks is dry, they’re placed in the metal boxes and handed back out to Carter and Newkirk, who pass them to LeBeau inside the truck.
Things get a little dicey when Major Krieger comes out to check on how his men (i.e. Carter and Newkirk in disguise) are doing. He says something in German to Newkirk, and Newkirk responds more or less believably, so the Major walks away.
The brick painted gold are all in the truck, so Hogan and his men redress the two guards and carry them outside, sitting them up on the ground behind the truck. Hogan wakes the guards and tells them they fell asleep and it’s lucky that an officer didn’t catch them. The next day, Major Krieger and the truck full of "gold" leave the camp while Hogan and his men are building the steps out of "bricks." When they’re finished, Klink compliments them on their work, and Hogan assures him that they’re as "good as gold."
Major Krieger returns to Stalag 13, angry because the shipment was light, leading him to believe that some of the gold was pilfered. He tells Klink that he intends to search the entire camp. Klink retorts that he can do just that, takes the guard’s gun and tells Krieger "If you find one ounce of gold here, you can shoot me with this rifle!" He hits the step with the butt of the rifle, scratching the paint and exposing the gold. Hogan sees this and steps on the exposed area, then when Krieger and Klink stomp off to conduct their search, Hogan sits on the steps. When Klink comes back and wants to know if Hogan will accompany them, he says "I think I’ll sit this one out."
- Bob Crane as Hogan
- Werner Klemperer as Klink
- John Banner as Schultz
- Robert Clary as LeBeau
- Richard Dawson as Newkirk
- Ivan Dixon as Kinchloe
- Larry Hovis as Carter
- Cynthia Lynn as Helga
- Tom Hatten as Martin
- Rick Traeger as Krieger
- Pitt Herbert as Gestapo Guard #1 (the other guard is uncredited)
- Howard Morris directed this episode.
- In future episodes, the stairs are back to being wood.
- Pictures are from the episode, and I used them under Fair Use. They’re VLC screenshots. I probably won’t use as many in the future.